After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."   Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.   Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.   The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.   When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.   Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.   I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?    I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.   Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.