UPS..... Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.!!! P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last............. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. Actual call center conversations! Customer: “I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?” Operator: “Where did you get that number, sir?” Customer: “It’s on the door of your business.” Operator: “Sir, those are the hours that we are open.” Samsung Electronics Caller: “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?” Operator: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.” Caller: “On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?” Operator: “I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.” Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe) “If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?” Directory Enquiries Caller: “I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please” Operator: “I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?” Caller: “Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.” Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: “Woven? Are you sure?” Caller: “Yes. That’s what it says on the label — Woven in Scotland.” On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: “I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on.” Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.” Customer: “OK.” Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?” Customer: “No.” Tech Support: “OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?” Customer: “No.” Tech Support: “OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?” Customer: “Sure You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.” Tech Support: “OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?” Customer: “Wow! How can you see my screen from there?” Caller: “I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?”